Breaking from tradition, I went to Quizno's today for lunch. I say "breaking from tradition" because tradition is a Lean Cuisine that I eat at my desk. I could not take another Lean Cuisine. Or Healthy Choice. Or Smart Ones. Or Eating Right. I am frozen entree fried. I fear if I eat any more that I will soon be crapping only Santa Fe Rice and Beans.Thus, Quizno's.
I haven't eaten at Quizno's in forever. I was somewhat put off of Quizno's after my last experience there with my husband, probably almost two years ago. There was a Quizno's near a Ralph's and a Blockbuster a few miles from our first apartment that we had together. We normally would do our grocery shopping on Friday nights after work, go to the Blockbuster and grab a few movies, pick up some takeout for dinner, and settle into an evening of domestic bliss. You may think that's boring. Excuse me, did you not read my use of the term 'bliss'? Domestic bliss totally kicks ass, and ye singles should not be knockin' it.
Okay, going off topic. Right. Quizno's.
We go to Quizno's. Two stoners are working behind the counter. Now, let me be clear and say that I have no problem with stoners. I myself was a super-stoner from my senior year in high school through when I graduated college. Then I realized I needed a real job, and with that real job took on the responsibility of things like rent and health insurance and groceries, and could no longer afford said stoner activity, especially the groceries for the munchies. But I was a good stoner. I was a stoner that graduated second in her class in high school and first in her class in college. And the only reason I missed out on being valedictorian in high school was because my junior year I wanted to take AP Chemistry, which would have vaulted me over the person that ended up being valedictorian, but they only offered the class during fourth period, and fourth period was show choir. Yes, show choir. I gave up valedictorian for show choir. Whatever, my sister was valedictorian of her high school class and she never got anything special for being that either, except the title of valedictorian. My valedictorian was not in show choir, so she did get to take the AP Chemistry class. Suck it, valedictorian girl, you didn't get to wear dresses covered in sequins for three years while you sang and danced!
Oops, off topic again. Right. Stoner guys working at Quizno's.
Stoner guys took about 15 minutes to make our sandwiches. There were no other customers before us. None after us. Fifteen minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES. They, however, probably thought they were going super fast, because they were stoned, and in Stoned Time fifteen minutes is like 18 seconds and HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE HOW FAST I MADE THOSE TWO SUBS? IT WAS LIKE 18 SECONDS.
So being fairly disgruntled, Edgar and I got home, unpacked our groceries, and opened up our sandwiches. Our sandwiches that were made ALL WRONG. I had asked for something with chicken, maybe turkey, I'm not quite sure because it's been a long while now, but the sandwich I unwrapped was prime rib. That's not even in the same category of animal! Cow, not poultry. Four legs, not two. And I hate prime rib. So there I was, no sandwich to eat, not willing to go back because I didn't feel like being arrested in the double murder of two stoned Quizno's employees.
This boycott of Quizno's has unintentionally lasted almost two years. It wasn't really an intentional thing, it was just that after we moved away from that Quizno's I never really had a craving for it, haven't really lived close to one, and it's never come up. But there's a Quizno's by work, I was hungry, I was fearing the Lean Cuisines, and it made a perfect storm.
After perusing the menu for a few minutes, I finally decided on the Turkey, Bacon, and Guacamole sandwich. Seems yummy, right? Until I got back to the office with it and discovered *gasp* THEY USE IMITATION GUACAMOLE. All it is is mushed up avocado that they freeze and then squeeze out of a bag. THAT IS NOT GUACAMOLE. Guacamole should be made fresh, and it has more ingredients than just avocado. That's why it's called guacamole, not avocado. This guacamole, this cheap imitation of guacamole, is the kind that restaurants order in bags that come in bulk that they freeze in the freezer until the day that they need it, and then they throw it in a boiling vat of water to unfreeze it, along with bags of things like "homemade" chicken noodle soup or marinara sauce. Guess what, people? If the menu says homemade, they're probably lying. It was delivered to them on a truck in a frozen bag until the day you ate it. I used to be a waitress, I know this, and now I'm giving away trade secrets and they'll never let me back in the club. I DON'T CARE, I'M TAKING A STAND ON MY GUACAMOLE.
This is clearly important to me, because back when I didn't know better, I used to think that I hated guacamole. I told everyone it looked like something that I would find in my niece's diaper. And maybe that's true, I haven't changed any bright green diapers as of late, but it could happen. And because of that mental image, I wouldn't eat it for the longest time, but when I finally did.....oh, when I finally did. Eating guacamole was like coming to Jesus, it was JUST THAT GOOD. My husband doesn't eat guacamole. I KNOW, what kind of Mexican is he? A BAD ONE. You know what else he doesn't eat? Cheese. Queso. He's not havin' it. It was very odd to me when I met him, because I come from a place called the Midwest where we are of a firm belief that if it doesn't have cheese on it, it's not worth eating in the first place. Oops, we weren't talking about cheese, we were talking about guacamole. My husband doesn't eat guacamole! He says he's allergic to avocado. On our second date, we got burritos from this awesome Mexican place called Alberto's, and it had guacamole in it, but he didn't die. He claims that it made him really nauseous and that he had to try really hard to not look like he was going to throw up. I didn't find out about this avocado aversion until several dates later, and I was all "Um, why didn't you tell me that burrito was about to make you throw up?" and he said "Oh, I didn't want you to feel bad since you suggested the burrito." THANKS FOR SPARING MY FEELINGS, BUDDY. YOu gave it away, guacaomle won't kill you, GIVE IN TO ITS GREATNESS.
Oops, off topic once again. Right. Quizno's is a total cheater when it comes to guacamole.
Congratulations Quizno's, I'm probably not going to eat you for another two years.
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