One and Two, Oh What Shall I Do?

About 10 seconds after I walked in the door upon returning from work today the phone began ringing. Suspecting that it was my husand, who I miss LIKE HE WAS MY LEFT FOOT THAT GOT CUT OFF, I immediately answered it, despite the fact that I had to pee like a Triple Crown Racehorse. I held out on the phone as long as could, until after 10 minutes I had to blurt out "Please call me back in two minutes, I have to pee RIGHT NOW!"

I can't pee in front of my husband. I can't even pee on the phone with him for the possibility that he will hear me peeing. I can pee on the phone with my sister, my mom, my friend Jessica....I just can't do it in front of him.

I wish I could understand the ability of some couples to pee in front of one another. I wish I could understand the ability of some couples to even be able to *gasp* poop in front of one another. I just can't do it. My parents can do it. They can just leave the bathroom door wide open, doing their business and carrying on a conversation. I just can't do it. There are some things that just can't be done, and this is one of those things.

Edgar doesn't have that modesty. He'll pee with the door open, just to make me go "Oh, Edgar, really? Please!" and then laugh as I turn my back and run away. He hasn't crossed the line of doing the #2 with the door open though. He knows that will be the end of everything. It's not that I can't handle the fact that, oh, gee, my husband pees and poops. I know he does. I'll be the first person to walk in the room after he does and ask "Jeez, what died in your ass?" We have conversations about how many times he pooped that day, because I have met no other person that poops as many times a day as he does. Seriously, it's like every morning, every evening, and after every meal. It's mind boggling. I tell him about my pooping, too. But I just can't do it in front of him. It's gross. I've come to accept that fact that when we have children that they will not be born potty-trained, as much as I wish they would be, and that I will have to deal with the consequences of that. But I relate the adult peeing/pooping in front of one another conundrum to the same thing as when you walk in to a public restroom and some ignorant shit (pun not intended) hasn't flushed the toilet before you. WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THIS? DO YOU LEAVE IT LIKE THAT IN YOUR OWN HOME? Seeing another grown person's poop in the toilet makes me want to yak. Even if I love that person with all my heart, I find it hard not to be repulsed by the sight of their poop just hanging out in the toilet like "Oh, hey, you're here now, want to join the party?"

IT'S WRONG.

Which leads me to another issue, which is that cat. Fiyero. Oh, Fiyero. While I was in the kitchen today making dinner, I had the perfect sightline to see him in the bathroom. His litter box sits between the toilet and the sink, and I could see his little head and shoulders coming out from the front of the box while he sat in there and did whatever it was he was doing. Once he was done, instead of just walking out of the litter box like a normal cat, he jumped sideways up on to the toilet seat. To avoid having to walk in his litter box; to avoid having to walk on the litter that leaves him susceptible to walking in his own pee or poop. He's a cat. Is he seriously going to be sniffing his paws going "Oh, wow, this smells bad, I don't want this on my feet?" Well, little buddy, MOMMY DOESN'T LIKE TO SMELL IT EITHER, BUT I DEAL WITH IT. But no, you have to be a princess and jump all crazy-like up on to the toilet and in the process scatter kitty litter EVERYWHERE. Do you know how unpleasant it is to walk into the bathroom and step on litter with your bare feet? Of course not, you're a cat, you have paws. PAWS THAT WERE MADE TO WALK ON LITTER.

Like father, like son. I can't escape the poop and pee. I'm forever doomed.